apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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