Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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