I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
