I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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