i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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