my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
