Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
