i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
