You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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