the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My cat gives me a boner
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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