i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
