please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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