Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
