Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
