she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
