Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
