I wannas sexs uuuuu
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
