Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
whose parrot is this?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
