the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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