I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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