I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I touched a dick in church today
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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