K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
