I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
