I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
