Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
