4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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