i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
