He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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