You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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