Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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