My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
