I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
