this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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