One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
