Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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