found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
