I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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