I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i came on her dog
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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