hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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