I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
