i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
