One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
