Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
