Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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