So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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