the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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