There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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