it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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