If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
