had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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