dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
