A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
