Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize