I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
