He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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