I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
