I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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