My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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