I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
