Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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