she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
