Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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