the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
