1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
BRING THE BAGELS
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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