i just sent this text using only my big toe
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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