I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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