if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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