3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
