I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
